Why dating can be tricky for autistic people (and some tips from an autistic person!)
Let’s be honest - modern-day dating can be extremely confusing. That’s why there are so many books, films, podcasts and articles about it. For those of us who are autistic, it can seem even more complicated and overwhelming.
What do I mean by ‘dating’?
Here I’m specifically talking about the early stages of developing a romantic or sexual relationship. I’m including things like flirting, getting to know someone, messaging and going on dates.
Note: These examples won’t be universal for all autistic people and some may also apply to allistic people (people who aren’t autistic). Additionally, my tips in each section won’t work for all autistic people but they can be used as a starting point and adapted to work for you. Take what’s useful and leave what isn’t!
Here are just a few reasons why dating can be more difficult for autistic people (as well as some advice for autistic people and people who date us):
Everyone’s got something to say about dating - who do you listen to?
I’m guilty of adding to all this information about dating - and not everyone will find what I have to say helpful! Photographer: Eleanor Rose at Bonnier
There is a tonne of dating advice out there, from people we know in real life and coaches, educators and writers who make a living telling people how to date. You might find some of this information useful, but a lot of it can be unhelpful, especially if you take it literally. Some of the advice I’ve seen online could end up putting you or your date in an uncomfortable situation, or crossing important personal or legal boundaries (I’ve particularly noticed this problem with advice aimed at men or from pick-up artists).
With so much information out there, it’s important to learn how to engage critically with resources, particularly about sex and relationships. Advice written by allistic people can sometimes be unhelpful for autistic people, but there definitely isn’t enough sex ed out there tailored to us (and I’m on a mission to change that!).
I think it’s important to learn from lots of different sources, people and experiences. You can take the information that is relevant to you and leave what isn’t.
You might find my book HONEST: Everything They Don’t Tell You About Sex, Relationships and Bodies helpful - it’s an easy overview of topics which come up in sex education. It’s not written specifically for autistic people but since it was written by an autistic person, many people in our community have found it helpful.
So many unspoken rules - can’t anybody just say what they mean?!
There are a lot of unspoken rules. For example, how quickly you reply to a message or the date location you choose might have more meaning to an allistic person than it does to you.
Whether or not you decide to tell a date that you’re autistic, it can be helpful to tell them that you prefer clear communication - and probably easier than trying to figure out hidden meanings. Plenty of allistic and neurotypical people find dating confusing and unclear, and some people might find direct communication and honesty pretty refreshing.
If you end up misinterpreting something (or being misinterpreted), speak up and explain that you made a mistake or that that isn’t what you meant. Many autistic people get told that we’ve been ‘leading someone on’ when someone misinterprets or reads our actions as sexual or romantic when they weren’t intended that way. I hate this concept because it implies that you owe someone something because they read your behaviour in a specific way. Consent is key. Choosing a certain date location, or messaging late at night is not giving consent to have sex or to send nudes. You can also change your mind at any point if you find yourself in a situation you’re no longer enjoying.
Subtle flirting and missed social cues
Allistic flirting is generally subtle and indirect. Since autistic people can find it difficult to pick up on unclear social cues, this can be confusing. For example, we might not see the same hidden meaning behind prolonged eye contact, brushing arms, asking someone questions or laughing at jokes. We might also flirt in ways that wouldn’t be picked up on by an allistic person, like Penguin Pebbling or researching things we think might help them. This can make it tricky to flirt and be flirted with, and we might sometimes be perceived as flirting when we didn’t intend to.
I LOVE autistic flirting. It’s one of my favourite things. I even wrote a whole blog post about it! Some autistic people might like more ‘obvious’ forms of flirting like grand gestures, crafting things for someone or writing letters. I also love the smaller ways we let someone know that they’re important to us, like letting them watch a comfort show with us or feeling safe enough to spend time with or be touched by them when we’re overwhelmed or overstimulated. I think autistic flirting is amazing and should be celebrated. Don’t feel like you have to change it up just to fit in (unless you want to because we’re all about choice here!).
I think being clear and direct is often the easiest route when it comes to confusing communication. And, like many other aspects of dating, plenty of allistic people struggle with flirting or identifying that they’re being flirted with. It can help to make a joke about being hopeless with flirting, or ask a friend whether they think someone is flirting with you.
It can feel nerve-racking but try making the first move! If you’re not sure if someone you like is into you, why not let them know you’re into them? Be prepared for rejection or to have misread signals (and try not to make them feel bad about it), but it’s one way to get a clear answer.
Digital dating - dating apps, messaging and social media
Photographer: River Solace
The internet plays a big role in many modern relationships. Dating apps can help us to initiate conversations and find people we’re interested in without having to deal with the same pressure of navigating social cues and flirting in real life. But dating apps, messaging and knowing what’s okay to post about online can be confusing. You might get overwhelmed about replying to messages or waiting for a reply. You might find it too much to chat to multiple dating app matches at once or find it too intense to only focus on one person at a time.
As long as you approach it with kindness and respect, it’s okay to engage with dating apps and messaging in a way that works for you and the people you’re dating. It helps to identify how your choices make you feel, why you do certain things and the impact your choices might have on other people. It can be a tricky balancing act but many people find a happy medium in their relationship that works for everyone involved.
On dating apps, lots of people mention on their profiles that they’re a fast or slow replier, or tell their matches that they won’t be online to chat when they’re busy. You could pick a time of day to reply to your messages or decide to send voice messages or chat over video if that works better for you. You might find that you prefer one dating app over another, or that you prefer chatting or organising dates for a certain time of the day or month.
Communicate clearly about what works for you, and the person you're chatting to might feel more comfortable to do the same. When it comes to what’s safe to post on social media, make sure to check in with your date or partner before sharing something about them or your relationship. If messaging or using dating apps is causing more stress than fun, or if you’ve communicated your needs and they’re not being respected, it’s time to reevaluate.
First impressions and getting to know someone new
A lot of pressure is put on first impressions and, as autistic people, we know that allistic people tend to make judgements within the first couple of seconds of meeting us. People tend to jump to conclusions about their date based on lots of things, both conscious and unconscious. First impressions can often be based around appearance, hygiene, greetings (like whether you opt for a hug or a wave), awkwardness and how much interest you show in someone, and it can be difficult to know what assumptions people make about us.
Photographer: River Solace
Although you might be trying to impress someone you're dating, trying to be someone you’re not to make a good first impression is pretty exhausting and unsustainable. People usually go on dates or chat to get to know someone - what’s the point in them getting to know a fake version of you? If you pretend to love partying and noisy gigs to get a date with someone who’s into that, you’ll probably end up being caught out or in a situation you might find overwhelming.
Though ‘be yourself’ is, in my opinion, one of the least helpful pieces of dating advice (because what does that even mean?), being as true to yourself as possible means you can develop more authentic connections with people. You probably shouldn’t share your darkest secrets or worst habits on a first date, but you can still be honest about the things you like, wear clothes you feel comfortable in and communicate how it comes naturally.
Remember that when you’re dating someone, you’re trying to get to know them, as well as them getting to know you. Try not to lose sight of how someone makes you feel because you’re worried about making an impression.
Worrying about being judged or assumptions being made about you might inform whether or not you want to tell a date that you’re autistic. That’s a completely personal decision and there are lots of things that come into it. If you do decide to share, be prepared for different reactions. Some people don’t know very much about autism other than stereotypes or poor media representation. It’s not your job to educate someone (especially if they’re being unkind or rude) but try to be patient with people who aren’t informed but want to learn more.
I’ve got so many more examples than I can fit onto one post - leave your suggestions or experiences in the comments and I might include them in another article.
The final takeaway
One thing I want you to take away from this is that, yes, dating can be really complicated. Human relationships, connections and interactions are complex because people are complex, autistic or not.
Though there are definitely extra barriers for those of us who are autistic, the truth is that the societal norms of dating are just norms, rather than rules you have to follow (which for me is both liberating and frustrating because I’d quite like a step-by-step guide!). Norms that work for some people, won’t work for everyone.
In fact, I’d say that many of the ideas we have (especially in White, Western communities) about dating and relationships are unhelpful for a lot of people because they’re based on historical necessity and survival rather than modern day desire and fulfilment. But that’s something to dig into on another day…
The happiest, healthiest relationships are often between people who have built their relationship around their own rules, structure, timeline and needs, rather than following the rigid guidelines of an online article. Not every dating experience will be a winner but as you learn more about yourself and develop more friendships and other connections, check in with yourself to see what’s worked and what hasn’t.